


Between Zero and Infinity

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Baby Harry, Death Eater Battles, Death Eaters, Drunk Sex, Dysphoria, Everyone lives, First Time, First War, Internalised Homophobia, James/Lily Fake Relationship, James/Remus one night stand, M/M, Pining, Regulus Black Lives, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Trans Pregnancy, Trans Remus, asexual aromantic Lily, pregnancy cover up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-17 11:09:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5867020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the war looming, and adulthood creeping up on them, the Marauders know their time left might be short.  But they are determined to make every minute count.  Falling in love, ignoring prophecies, and defying Voldemort are only a few things on their short list to accomplish before the world falls apart.  And with any luck, they'll have the Universe on their side.  And with any luck, they'll come out in one piece on the other side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a short multi-chaptered fic written for the anon request who wanted- James spends his time trying to pull Lily to cover up for the fact that he's gay--and Lily agrees to date him to cover up for the fact that she's ace/aro. Meanwhile Trans Remus is falling in love with known Death Eater, Regulus Black. Everything isn't as easy as it seems when James and Sirius fall in love, and have to maintain the relationship cover of James and Lily. When Remus finds himself pregnant, James and Lily cover for him to protect the baby from anti-werewolf ministry officials, and things get more complicated when Regulus Black returns, deflecting from Voldemort and helping Dumbledore with a Horcrux hunt.
> 
> So this story is deflecting a little bit from the original prompt, mainly the timeline because the original prompt wanted the story to take place school-aged (around the time that Sirius runs away--but I'm not comfortable with younger Marauders so I'm making the adjustment here). This story will be about four chapters, maybe five, but I'm not sure yet.
> 
> I am a huge prongsfoot shipper (along with Wolfstar) so if this isn't your cuppa, I totally understand, but don't expect anything between Sirius and Remus besides friendship. I will be adding tags if need be as I go, and updates will hopefully be regular, but I've a lot on my plate so I can't promise (which is also why I'm keeping it fairly short).

Lounging on his bed, Sirius flicked his wand at the canopy, letting down a shower of cool, sparkling stars. They fell around him, a soft tapping sound as they fell onto the duvet and disappeared. He hadn’t meant to have such a miserable day, really. He was at his last year at Hogwarts, a successful—and secret—Animagus, top of his class, and eighteen. He’d fucked off from his family, had his own flat in Muggle London, the three best friends a person could ask for, really.

So the idea of being this miserable seemed unfair.

But he’d just watched James attempt to pull Lily Evans again. He’d stopped round sixth year and they’d become friends. She actually hadn’t seemed all that bad anymore, and when Sirius thought James didn’t fancy her any longer, he even let himself get to know her a bit. She and James were Head Boy and Girl, so it made sense they’d get on.

But James was going after her again, in spite of her continuous rejections, and there was a reason it was driving Sirius mad.

Sirius was in love with James. Had been for ages. More than ages.

He hadn’t bothered to come out to his friends, which was a bit ridiculous that he’d even worry how they’d react. Remus was a werewolf and trans boy and no one in the dorm had bat an eyelash when he confessed to them. 

Then again, he knew it wasn’t being bent he worried about. It was the fact that he fancied his best mate. The best mate who repeatedly called him his brother.

The whole thing made him feel rather ill and he couldn’t even imagine the look on James’ face if he found out how Sirius felt. James would never look at him again, and Sirius would lose everything.

So he suffered in silence. Saying nothing, giving hollow congratulations every time James said it looked like Lily was getting closer and closer to saying yes. With an angry sigh, he threw himself from the bed and walked into the dorm’s shower. The taps had been wonky, he suspected peeves, but with an angry wank and furious wash, he felt a little better.

Wrapping a towel round his waist, Sirius moved back into the dorm, startled to find James sat on his bed. “Oy,” James said with a raised brow. “No decency, Pads. Really.”

“Sod off, there was no one even in here when I showered. You’re just waiting round to perv on me,” Sirius joked, hating himself for it, but it was what they’d always done.

Only this time instead of making a lewd joke, James paled and stood up. “I’ll give you erm. Privacy. I thought I saw Evans in the common room and I think I can get her to say yes to Hogsmeade this weekend so. See you.”

“Good luck, mate,” Sirius said, confused and feeling worse than ever.

*** 

James raced down to the common room, begging his body to just stop reacting to Sirius this way. It was wrong. They were best mates. Brothers, even. He wasn’t supposed to fancy other blokes, that wasn’t in the plan. And he sure as bloody _hell_ wasn’t supposed to fancy Sirius.

He couldn’t even imagine what Sirius would say.

Sirius had been more than supportive of Moony with everything their furry best mate was and went through, but this was different. This was James fancying Sirius.

He’d started trying to pull Evans again as a knee-jerk reaction, really. He hadn’t even meant it. The damned habit started when he had got a glimpse of Sirius after Quidditch and couldn’t stop what was happening to his body. He’d had a wank to the image of his half-naked best mate and realised he couldn’t carry on like this.

So he’d gone for Evans, knowing she would never ever give in.

Taking a shaking breath, James hurtled himself into the common room and saw Lily at one of the tables going over her Potions essay. Sliding into one of the armchairs, he kicked one foot up on the table, and cocked her his most smarmy grin.

“Evening, Lily.”

Rolling her eyes toward him, she let out a long-suffering sigh. “Yes, Potter?”

“Back to Potter, is it?”

“When you’re back to being an insufferable little shit who won’t take no for an answer…”

James flushed, ruffling his hair a bit. “Sorry. It’s…I’m…” He trailed off.

“Sorry?” she offered.

James rolled his eyes. “Yeah.”

Putting her quill down, she clasped her hands on her knee and turned toward him a bit. “You want to talk about something? Because you seem a little more constipated than usual.”

James’ cheeks heated up and he ran a hand down his face. “Actually, no. But would you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend? Friends only,” he added at her withering glower. “I could use a distraction.”

“What, your obnoxious friends not entertainment enough?”

James’ face fell. “It’s…”

Lily immediately leant forward. “Shit, I’m sorry. Are you lot rowing? Because I can’t even imagine what a proper row would be like. I mean last year was bad enough between Remus and Sirius and…”

“No,” James said quickly. “It’s…I’ve got a problem, you know? That I can’t talk about with them and I’d just like to have a nice day out.”

Lily bit down on her lower lip, then nodded. “Alright, but no funny business. Friends only.”

James put his hand over his heart. “I swear it. I do.”

Just then, Remus came through the portrait hole, back from his Prefect’s meeting looking a little worse for the wear. It had been dodgy this year, having to meet with Slytherins who they were pretty sure were teaming up with the Dark Lord. Slytherins who might very well know about Remus’ secret.

James was immediately on his feet. “Alright, Moony?”

Remus looked up with a smile and shrugged. “As I can be. Regulus was there being…” He trailed off and shook his head. “Never mind. Anyway, I’m just looking forward to crawling into bed.”

James slung his arm round Remus’ shoulders as they started to the stairs. “This weekend, yeah?” he called back to Lily.

She rolled her eyes, but nodded. “Guess so.”

Remus’ eyes went wide as they reached the landing. “Evans said yes? After all this time?”

James grinned, as fake as it felt, he knew he could fool them after so many years of practise. “Yeah, she did.” He ruffled his hair again. “Told you lot it was only a matter of time.”

Remus flung the door open to the dorms and spotted Sirius putting a sticking charm on all of Peter’s socks. He sighed and shook his head. “Come on, Pads.”

“I owe him for that incident in Potions,” Sirius grumbled. “Anyway, what are you two so cheerful about?”

“Evans said yes to James.”

James didn’t miss a flicker across Sirius’ face before he broke out into a rather disbelieving grin. “You’re joking. She actually said yes to you?”

James shrugged. “Told you my charm would ensnare her one of these days.”

“More like wear her down and drive her so mad she doesn’t realise what she’s saying yes to,” Sirius said, throwing a sock at James’ face. “I’m happy for you, mate.”

James gulped, then nodded. “Thanks. I…me too.”

*** 

Sirius was unsurprised that Remus noticed first. In fact, he had to wonder how long Remus had actually suspected, but he’d leave that to another conversation. For now, he was torn between irritation and profound gratitude that his best mate had found him sat right off the path between Hogsmeade and the Castle, poking his wand at the dirt and making tiny little cyclones with it.

“You want to talk about it?”

Sirius scoffed, not looking up as Remus settled in next to him. “No.”

Remus didn’t say anything, though he let his shoulder rest against Sirius’. He’d learnt a long time ago, Sirius couldn’t be goaded into talking, but if the silence stretched on long enough, his friend would eventually say what he wanted to.

“…she likes him. Like, fancies him.”

“Evans?”

Sirius grunted. “I mean, what’s not to like, right? Everyone likes James. Likable guy.”

“I suppose,” Remus said slowly.

“And she’s pretty enough.”

“If you like that sort of thing,” Remus said, and looked at Sirius very carefully. Sirius’ cheeks tinged pink as he glanced over at Remus. “I can appreciate it, at any rate.”

Licking his lips, Sirius let out a tiny sigh. “I’d complain to you about my rotten luck in life, but seems a bit unfair with your whole furry problem and bleeding uterus once a month.”

Remus chuckled hard and let his head rest down on Sirius’ shoulder. “For what it’s worth, anyone who gets your attention is a lucky man, Sirius.”

Sirius let out a shaking breath. “You think?”

“If you weren’t my best mate, and if I wasn’t stupidly in love with someone I really shouldn’t be,” Remus said carefully, “I’d probably fancy you a little.”

“Only a little,” Sirius said, nudging his friend. His face fell a bit after that. “How long have you known? I mean, am I obvious?”

“Only to someone who’s been there,” Remus said softly. “If you’re worried about anyone else finding out…”

“He’s straight. As an arrow. As…as the straightest thing is straight and it’s agony,” Sirius groaned. “Anyway, who’re you in love with, then? You’ve never said.”

“Clever subject change,” Remus muttered. “And I’m not going to tell you. They’re a little bit younger than we are, and in a different house. And a complete prat.”

Sirius blinked. “So long as it’s not Snivellius…”

“I’m not mad, you know,” Remus chastised. He put his arm round Sirius’ waist and hitched him closer. “Doesn’t matter. It’ll never happen, so I’m just going to pine away for a while.”

“So what a pair we make, eh?”

Remus sat for a moment. “For what it’s worth, sometimes I see him look at you and I think maybe he’s not being very honest with himself.”

Sirius felt his throat tighten at the very idea of false hope. “Remus…”

“I’m not saying he is, or he isn’t. But you’re the most important thing on the planet to James Potter, so if you ever do want to tell him, you should.”

“Dunno. I’d be too afraid to lose him if he knew how I felt.”

Remus shrugged. “Maybe try small. Tell him you’re a bit bent.”

“You mean confess I’m a raging queer who’s never had it on for anyone but him?”

Remus laughed and shook his head. “I might use a little more tact than that. But telling him you’re queer is a good start. Might help you gauge the situation.”

“You know, you’ve always been the most sensible one amongst us, Moonbeam.”

Remus laughed. “I know. It’s a heavy cross I bear, really.”

Sirius closed his eyes and let himself feel comforted by his friend. It was agony, being in love like this, but he wasn’t alone, and that was something. Enjoying the quiet of the afternoon, Sirius didn’t open his eye again until Remus went tense.

Cracking one open, he looked up into the scowling face of James who was looking between Remus and Sirius. “Hiding, are you?”

Sirius frowned at the almost-venom in James’ tone. “What, you’d rather us be snogging in some corner of the Three Broomsticks like you and Evans?”

James’ eyes widened. “I…we were…” He took a breath. “Fuck _off_ , Sirius. Just…fuck off.” And with that, he spun on his heel and stormed away.

Sirius swallowed against a lump in his throat. “What was that?”

“Call me mad, but I think that was James Potter a bit jealous,” Remus said quietly. “You really ought to talk to him, Padfoot. I think…I think it could be good.”

*** 

James’ hands were clenched so tight his knuckles ached by the time he got back to the common room. Throwing himself angrily onto a sofa, he pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut behind his glasses.

He very nearly showed his arse out there with Sirius, and it was getting harder and hard to maintain, even after his chat with Evans.

She’s been rather amiable about the whole thing, which was his only source of relief in this whole nightmare of a situation. They’d gone to the Three Broomsticks alone, though he’d seen Sirius there and hadn’t missed the slight glower of a jealous best friend. Lily had noticed too, and asked him, but James quickly brushed it off.

“You and I should date.”

Lily blinked at him, then sighed. “I told you no funny business.”

“I’m a decent sort though. I wouldn’t try to you know…be too forward. We make sense.”

“No,” Lily said very quietly, “we don’t.”

James blinked at her. “Why’s that?”

“Because I don’t fancy you.”

He reeled back a bit, and tried for a wry smile. “Ouch, Evans. You go right for the jugular.”

Rolling her eyes, Lily leant forward. “I don’t fancy _anyone_. I…I don’t know how to explain it, you know? Only that when everyone else is going out and getting snogged and …and other things, having boyfriends and girlfriends and hell, even Alice and Frank are talking about getting married after we leave here…I just. I’m not…” She sat back, a helpless look on her face. “I dunno what’s wrong with me.”

She looked so miserable, he came round the side of the table and sat, putting his arm over her shoulders. “There’s nothing wrong with you, you know,” he said very softly.

She was so distraught, she didn’t bother shoving him off. Just a slight scoff and shake of her head. “It’s bloody well not normal though, is it?”

“Not common, I think,” James said very carefully, and he realised that whilst he didn’t fancy her, he very much did care about her. “But loads of things aren’t common, and that doesn’t mean it makes people broken or wrong. There’s nothing bad about being different.”

She eyed him warily. “How would you know?”

“Because I…” He stopped, seconds away from spilling the truth, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He had no problem with people who were bent, but that wasn’t supposed to be _him_. God, what would everyone think? His parents? His mates? “Maybe I understand better than you think. Not exactly the same but…” He trailed off and sighed.

With a small smile, she leant her head on his shoulder. “You know, if you hadn’t been such a spoilt little prat before now, we might have had a few years of being mates.”

“Yeah well,” James said, and realised he had no come-back. 

Lily chuckled lightly. “Thanks, you know. I’ve never told anyone before, and it’s getting harder and harder to come up with excuses why I don’t want to go on dates.”

James’ brow furrowed, and something started to make sense. “You know we could erm…go out.”

“James,” she said tiredly.

“No. I mean it,” he said. “Look, I don’t really fancy you. I mean, I like you well enough. Very much, in fact. I’d even say we’ve become proper friends. So you and I could just get together, and no one would have to know. And you’ll have an automatic excuse why you can’t date.”

She blinked at him, her green eyes wide. “No expectations? No snogging no…no other stuff.”

James put his hand over his heart. “None, I swear it.”

“Well…”

Turning toward her, he grabbed her hand in both of his. “Lily Evans, will you be my girlfriend?”

Rolling her eyes, she snorted. “Fine. God this is…bloody mad, and I will hex you until you can’t remember your own name if you do anything…”

“I respect you,” James said, interrupting her threat. “I’m not…I don’t think how you feel is a joke, Lily. I’m not trying to pull.”

She looked cautious, but nodded anyway. “Thanks,” she muttered. “And you know, if you ever want to talk about your problem, I wouldn’t tell anyone, either.”

He just nodded then, and sighed. “Thanks.”

“Any time.”

And it would have gone very well had he not found Remus and Sirius all-but cuddling on the way back to the Castle. He didn’t know what had come over him, either. Why he couldn’t control his frustration. They were a cuddly lot, really. Sleeping in each other’s beds all the time, sharing forehead kisses and so many hugs James had lost count.

But there was an intimacy between the pair he hadn’t seen before that made him want to hex Moony right between the eyes, and that wasn’t fair. It’s not like anyone knew how James felt. Hell, it wasn’t even like he was allowing himself to accept his own feelings on the matter.

But he’d been a right arse, then stormed off, leaving Sirius looking both hurt and confused.

He was the worst friend, really.

After a moment of gathering himself, he headed up to the dormitory just as Peter was heading out. “Where are you going?” he demanded.

Peter frowned. “I’m meeting Sandra in the library for that Potions essay. Why, you need something?”

James realised just how on edge he was, and he shook his head. “Nah, go on. Have a good time.” He clapped Peter on the shoulder who blushed a little, then hurried off.

Finally alone, James collapsed on his bed, drawing the curtains in case Sirius and Remus got back. The last thing he could stomach was seeing them together. Even if he knew it likely wasn’t true, just the thought was enough to make him want to weep.

Burying his face in his pillow, he let his eyes shut and hoped he would just sleep until morning.

*** 

Sirius walked into the dorm to find James’ curtains shut and a silencing spell up. Terrified that James might be in there with Lily, he gave Remus a knowing look, then headed to their bathroom to gather himself. He had to be okay with this, he had to get over this absolutely agonising crush or he wouldn’t be able to go on.

He had a sudden vision of standing up at James and Lily’s wedding and he was torn between laughter and tears as he gripped the sink, his head bowed forward. 

Moony was probably right, he reckoned. The least he could do was come out to James. How else would he know if it would be okay? How else would he be able to let himself go on?

Deciding he ought to stop being a shit about it, he turned the knob and walked back out. Remus was already in his bed, the curtains cracked, curled up with a blanket and a book perched on his knee. Sirius poked his head in and leant it against the poster.

“Swot.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Sod off, Sirius. I’ve been looking forward to this all day.”

“Only you could love snogging books more than people,” Sirius teased, then sat down at the edge of the bed. “I think…I think I’m going to tell him. You reckon he’s in there with Lily right now?”

Remus shook his head. “No, I saw her with Alice down in the common room. He’s alone.” Just as Sirius moved to stand, Remus reached out and curled his fingers round Sirius’ wrist. “Start small, alright? I…I know what it’s like to hold a secret like this and…it’s easier if you start small.”

Sirius let out a small laugh. “I guess you do, Moons. I just…I’m scared when I tell him he’s going to know how I feel and then…what if he…” Sirius cleared his throat. “He’s my family, Remus. I love him in more ways than just one.”

Remus stroked his thumb over Sirius’ knuckles soothingly. “It’s going to be alright. You’re not going to lose him, Pads.”

Sirius nodded, feeling more miserable than anything, and carefully stood up. He arranged Remus’ curtains nicely, then told himself he’d be sure to shower Moony with loads of chocolate and maybe even a few of those Muggle novels he loved so much.

Taking a breath, Sirius knew it was time. He had to sort things out with James. He had to get rid of this distance between them. They were about ready to leave Hogwarts, and then what? With war brewing outside, and adulthood waiting to devour them from the inside out, Sirius knew he couldn’t lose what little family he had left.

Swallowing, he walked up to James’ bed, putting his hand just inside the wards of the silencing spell, and knocked on the poster. After a moment, the curtains rustled, and he took that as an invite to step in. Pushing the fabric aside, Sirius slid onto the bed he’d crawled into hundreds of times before, though not so much lately. Not when he knew he couldn’t control his body during sleep.

James was sat up against the headboard, one long leg curled into his chest, his face almost miserable. Sirius frowned as he crawled to the centre of the bed and sat. “You want to tell me why you look like Dumbledore just gave the Quidditch Cup to Slytherin? Because last I heard, you finally managed to get Evans to go out with you,” he ignored the bitter taste that left in his mouth. “I reckoned we’d be at least getting pissed to celebrate.”

James gave Sirius a look Sirius couldn’t read, and that bothered him more than anything. He’d never needed words to understand James before. Had so much changed because of one girl?

“Jamie, come on.”

James’ lips pursed at the sound of the very old nickname. One Sirius hadn’t used in years. “It’s just been a long night.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with me and Moony, does it? Your ridiculous assumption that…”

“Is it ridiculous?” James interrupted, sounding almost angry.

Sirius swallowed thickly. “James I…” He cleared his throat. “There’s nothing between me and Moony. I love him, but not… not like that. He was just trying to help me feel better. And anyway he told me he has some secret fancy he can’t tell us about. My bet is it’s a Slytherin.”

James’ eyes flared for a second, then he settled back. “So you’re not bent.”

Sirius looked down, reaching to pick at a stray thread on James’ duvet as he muttered, “I didn’t exactly say that, did I. Only that…that there’s nothing between me and Moony.”

The choked sound James made caused Sirius’ gaze to snap up, and he saw his best mate’s face struggling. “So who is it, then?”

Sirius blinked. Then lied. “No one. I just…reckoned you should know. That I’m a shirt lifter.”

Licking his lips, James opened his mouth to say something, but instead of words came a funny sort of sob. Tears pooled in his eyes and James reached up, ripping his glasses off before he buried his face in the pillow.

Sirius was stunned, not sure how to react. He was torn between running and comforting his best friend, and eventually he went with the latter. Reaching out, he carefully put his hand on James’ shoulder and squeezed. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry if it upsets you. I’ve known for a while but I didn’t want you to think I was different and I…”

“It’s not that,” James said, sounding absolutely miserable. “Sirius, it’s not you, I swear.”

Letting out a breath, and feeling something in his chest unknot, Sirius shifted so he was behind James. It was ridiculous looking, Sirius so tiny and James so large, but they managed to make it work, and James nuzzled back into Sirius’ grip. “You want to tell me what’s got James Potter, of all sodding people in this world, crying into his pillow? Because if it’s not me being bent…”

“It’s me,” James muttered against the fabric. “I…it’s me. I’m bent.”

Sirius blinked, almost sitting up, but James was holding on too tight. “How long?” he whispered.

Daring to turn his head, James met Sirius’ stare with slightly unfocused eyes. “Since forever, maybe? I wasn’t supposed to be, you know? I’m the only son left and you know I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but it wasn’t supposed to be me, Pads.”

Sirius soothed him, drawing his fingers into James’ wild locks as he held him tight. “Your parents aren’t going to care.”

“I know,” James said miserably. “I just…I went after Evans because I thought she’d never say yes.”

“And now she has?” Sirius asked, wondering if that’s what the problem was.

James shook his head. “She agreed to date me just so I’d keep people off her back. She doesn’t want to be with anyone so I reckoned it would work out best for both of us this way but…” James trailed off, and carefully shifted in Sirius’ arms.

“You’re gonna be okay, Prongs,” Sirius said, carefully cupping James’ cheek. “You just need some sleep, alright?”

Licking his lips, James nodded. “Yeah. Yeah you’re right.”

“We can talk about it more in the morning. And I’m not going to tell anyone, if you’re worried. I wouldn’t do that.”

James laughed, and put his face right in the crook of Sirius’ neck. “M’not worried about you, Padfoot. Ever. I love you more than I love anyone.”

Sirius felt his heart both swell and clench. James was bent. His head was still spinning from it because his best mate was bent but he was still his best mate. It could never happen. But determined to bring comfort to the terrified teen, Sirius shuffled James back round again, and pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck.

“Stay with me tonight?”

Sirius nodded and kissed James’ neck again. “Of course. M’not going anywhere. You’ve got me for life, you know?”

James laughed and tightened his grip on Sirius. “Yeah. I guess I do know that. Thanks, Pads.”

Sirius closed his eyes and tried not to feel the endless ache where his heart should be. “Anytime. Now go to sleep. It’ll all feel better in the morning.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 soon.

Sirius woke, and for a moment, he wasn’t sure if it was a dream or not. At the very least, it was his absolute fantasy. He was surrounded by the smell and feel of the person he’d been in love with for years. A warm, firm arm was tucked round his waist, a face buried in the back of his neck. Sirius’ arm was up above his head, fingers buried in messy locks behind him, and he was not in his own bed.

Closing his eyes against the stream of sunlight coming through the cracks in the bed curtains, Sirius allowed himself to nuzzle backward. Likely they were late for breakfast, and likely Remus had seen them and stopped Peter from waking them up. Bless that blasted werewolf, Sirius thought as James’ arm tightened even further round him.

He knew it wasn’t going to last, though. The moment James woke and became aware of where he was, what he was doing, he’d push Sirius away. James was never shy about his feelings, but he never liked falling apart. It had only happened a handful of times over the years he’d known Sirius—one of which being the time Sirius had showed up on his doorstep cursed and beat to hell, unable to stand on his own. James had cried that night, Sirius only vaguely remembered through the haze of pain and healing potions, and afterward he refused to speak about it.

With a sigh, Sirius swallowed and shifted his leg.

The motion was enough to do it. James grumbled, tightening his arm round Sirius more, then carefully pulled it away. Sirius felt the loss physically, his eyes squeezing shut as he heard James’ sharp inhale.

“Morning Prongs,” Sirius said, his tone full of caution.

James gave a hoarse grunt, and to Sirius’ extreme surprise, turned toward him and prod at his shoulder until Sirius turned. “Erm. Morning.”

Sirius’ hand twitched, like he wanted to palm James’ cheek. Maybe kiss him. Instead he took a breath and tried for a smile. “Sleep alright?”

James rolled his eyes, then reached out and cupped his hand against the side of Sirius’ neck. Sirius felt his breath stop for a second, an ache in his chest. “Padfoot,” he whispered.

Sirius couldn’t help himself, he just couldn’t. He wasn’t sure what James was playing at, but he was damn sure he wasn’t misreading the look on James’ face, the darkening of his eyes, the need in the twitch of his lips. He fisted his hands in the front of James’ pyjamas and tugged him close enough that their noses touched. 

“Are you going to kiss me?” James whispered.

“If you want me to,” Sirius muttered back.

James’ eyes squeezed shut and he let out a noise suspiciously like a sob before he nodded. Sirius needed no more prompting. He gave James one more, firm tug before their lips crashed together. For a moment, it was just that. Lips to lips, hard, breathing coming hard out of their noses. Then after a moment, James went pliant. His shoulders relaxed, then his mouth followed. He let out a small whimper as Sirius let his tongue peek out, swiping it over James’ bottom lip.

Mouth parting, Sirius carefully slid his tongue in, exploring James’ mouth with caution. He had dreamt of this for years, ached for it, and the last thing he wanted was to scare him off. He didn’t know why this was happening, or how, but he was determined to savour it as long as he could.

As their mouths moved together, James’ hands began to trail up and down Sirius’ sides, fingers finding the hem and pushing it up so he could splay warm palms against his ribs. Sirius let out a needy moan, shifting his hips, and he sucked in his breath when James eased a knee between Sirius’ thighs.

It was good. Too good, and Sirius’ panic set in.

He pulled away before it could go any further, before he could lose himself in the touch, and met muzzy, hazel eyes. “Sirius?”

Sirius reached up, cupping James’ face. “You…I…we kissed.”

James swallowed. “I know. Fuck. I’m sorry I…”

“Don’t be sorry,” Sirius murmured. “Does it feel like I want you to be sorry?” He gave his hips a push forward, for James to feel what he did to Sirius’ body by just existing, and James’ eyes darkened. 

“You…don’t mind?”

Sirius stroked his thumbs over James’ cheeks. “Years, Prongs. I’m a complete bastard, I know, because you’re my best friend and my _family_ and it’s wrong but I…”

His words were cut off by a fierce, closed-mouthed kiss. “Padfoot,” James whispered. “I’ve been…god I’ve been pining for you for so long now, and I hated myself. I had no idea.”

Pressing their foreheads together, Sirius laughed a little. “Then what a pair of fools we are, eh?”

James’ eyes closed as he moved his head down, pressing his nose into Sirius’ cheek and breathed him in. “I don’t want to let you go.”

Sirius let out a small laugh, fisting his fingers into the back of James’ pyjamas and held so tight. “M’not going anywhere, so long as you’ll have me.”

James couldn’t stop himself from kissing Sirius again, needy, mouth open and a little wet, tongue sliding in and out. “But Lily…”

Sirius reared back a bit, his head slamming him back to reality, and he pushed himself up on his elbow. “You really love her, don’t you?”

“No,” James said a bit desperately. “No it’s not…that’s not it. I swear.” His hands reached out, searching for Sirius’ face and cupped it. “But I promised her. I promised I’d help her. Whatever she and I have, it’s not real. But I can’t let her down.”

Sirius blinked slowly. “Alright,” he said very carefully, and leant into James’ palm. “Alright.”

James relaxed. “We’re almost out of here. And then it can just be us. If you’ll have me.”

Sirius let out a small laugh. “You never had to ask, love.”

*** 

Remus reached for the door when a hand curled round his wrist, and he spun round, meeting grey eyes. He felt his entire body stiffen with impending danger. Because he was no fool, he knew what Regulus had been up to. The prefects meeting had been cancelled, but not everyone had been alerted, and Remus had only hoped to avoid this.

Pulling away, Remus took a breath. “Something you needed, Black?”

Regulus’ jaw worked hard. “You’ve stopped talking to me, Lupin.”

Pain rushed through Remus’ limbs. It was true, he had stopped. He had stopped when he learnt Regulus had taken the mark. When Sirius had unceremoniously announced to their dorm that Reg had joined up with the Dark Lord and whatever friendship he’d formed with the werewolf crumbled.

Remus swallowed thickly. “What do you want me to say? I’m a half-blood and poor and certainly no one your lord would be interested in keeping alive.”

Reg’s entire face twitched with a flinch. “I wouldn’t…you’re not…like _them_.”

“Like who?” Remus challenged, stepping back and pressing himself against the door. “Your brother? James? Evans? I’m exactly like them. Trying to convince yourself I’m not just to feel better about this,” he said, waving his hand between him and Regulus, “is only going to make it worse in the end when you’ll be forced to choose.”

Licking his lips, Regulus stepped forward for just a second, his thin fingers closing into fists. “Choose what, Remus?”

Hearing his name on Regulus’ lips hurt, and Remus felt it like a stab wound. The seventeen year old still had one year left of school after Remus and the others were gone. They’d never taken proper steps to be more than what they were right in that moment, but Remus was no fool. He wanted it, Regulus wanted it. The lure of forbidden love.

Closing his eyes against the pain, Remus bowed his head. “Whether or not to cast the killing curse. Because that’s what it’ll come down to, and you know it.” He reached out suddenly, closing his hand round Reg’s forearm where he knew the teen bore the mark, and he hated so much that he hadn’t been able to convince Regulus of how wrong the whole thing was. “We could have had something good, you know.” He looked up, amber eyes flashing. “Just remember this—there’s always room for you with us. You’ll never be turned away, no matter what stupid mistakes you’ve made up to now.”

With that, he let go and rushed off, heading outside in hopes of finding James or Sirius. He was in luck, seeing Sirius curled up under one of the willows near the water’s edge. He had a book, but wasn’t reading it, and his head snapped up when Remus approached, his face falling into a graceful smile.

“Alright, Moony?”

Remus swallowed down the bile creeping into his throat as he lowered himself next to his best friend. “No, but that’s not really important right now. Shouldn’t you be with James?”

Sirius’ eyes darkened, and they flickered off in the distance where James and Lily were sat, chatting lightly, her head resting on his shoulder. The pain in Sirius’ face was obvious, and Remus felt for him. 

“So your chat didn’t go well.”

Sirius barked out a bitter laugh. “No, actually, it went very well. He’s in love with me, he’s as bent as I am. But he wants to continue this…this…farce with Evans. He says he made her a promise. But look at them, Moony.”

Remus sighed and laid his head on Sirius’ shoulder just the way Evans was doing to James. “And now look at us. And you think maybe I fancy you, eh?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, but pressed a fond kiss to the top of Remus’ dark curls. “You’re a prat. And maybe you do fancy me. Who wouldn’t?”

Remus sighed and shook his head. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Pads. He sure as hell doesn’t look at Evans that way. He looks at you like the sun rises and sets on you. You are his everything.” Remus clasped his hand round Sirius’ wrist and squeezed it. “He wouldn’t lie to you.”

“I know,” Sirius said. “And I know we couldn’t be you know…together. Not proper together anyway. People wouldn’t think it’s right and well…” Trailing off, Sirius leant his head back against the tree. “But I’ve been waiting so long.”

“It won’t be forever. School will be over soon, and after that, it’ll be just you and him, yeah?”

Sirius nodded, but the look on his face was unsure and Remus felt for his friend. “Yeah. I reckon so.”

*** 

Sirius was walking down the corridor when a hand darted out from nowhere, dragging him into an abandoned classroom. The door slammed, the noise ringing into the corridor, and suddenly from thin air, a grinning face appeared.

“Prat,” Sirius said as he was crowded back against the stone wall. James’ face hovered in mid-air before the cloak was dropped and warm hands wrapped round the back of Sirius’ neck. “What the hell were you doing?”

“Following you,” James murmured before capturing Sirius’ mouth in a kiss. “Bloody difficult now that Filch took the map.”

Sirius’ hands ghosted up along James’ well-defined shoulders, moving to cup his cheeks and draw him into a proper, languid kiss. “Shall I be easier?”

James groaned, pressing his hips against Sirius’. “Merlin, do you have any idea what you do to me, Sirius?”

“I think I might have some idea,” Sirius responded. His head dipped low, pressing open-mouthed kisses along James’ neck. “I cannot wait to be out of here, Jamie. Out of this school. No more hiding.”

James tipped his head back and held on to Sirius just a little tighter. “Merlin. I cannot wait. I can’t wait to have you all to myself. No prying eyes.”

Pulling back Sirius cupped James’ cheeks. “The idea of waking up to you every morning, James? That’s been my fantasy since I was fifteen.”

James carded his fingers through Sirius’ hair. “I think…” The words died on his lips and he shook his head. Pressing forward, he rested his forehead against Sirius’. “Thank you. For just…being you.”

Sirius chuckled and pressed a soft kiss to James’ nose. “Of course, Prongs. Of course.”

*** 

It should have been wonderful. It really should have. They finished Hogwarts and no one blinked twice when Sirius and James got a flat together. No one bat an eyelash, no one questioned why the two at Hogwarts who had always been absolutely inseparable, wouldn’t separate when they left those halls.

There was war brewing, though. Fierce and angry. They were recruited into the Aurors, and into the Order of the Phoenix. And, to Sirius’ dismay, James and Lily kept up their ruse.

“She asked me to,” James muttered over tea one night when Sirius asked why James was going out again, on a public date with Lily. “Just to get her parents off her back and…and the others. Molly keeps mentioning babies and marriage and everything.”

Sirius ran his hand down his face. “I understand we can’t be out, James. But it doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to be your dirty little secret.”

James flinched and looked away. “That’s not…it isn’t…”

“But it is,” Sirius insisted, throwing his fork down to the table with a loud clatter. “It is. And I promised I’d wait for you—and I will, but what’s next? Marry her because people are starting to ask questions? Get a house together? A room for me you can sneak into at night when no one’s looking.”

James’ eyes hardened a little, and he crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re overreacting.”

Sirius scoffed, half-rising from his chair as he leant toward James. “You think so? You think I should just sit quietly whilst you traipse round with Lily and let everyone believe she’s the one who you’re planning a future with? How long do you plan to keep this up?”

James shoved his hand into his hair. “As long as we need to.”

Sirius scoffed. “Right. Yes.” He blinked, then sighed. “Fine. I’m going to…I’m going out.”

“Sirius,” James said wearily, but it was too late. Sirius had his leather jacket and was already reaching for the door.

“Don’t wait up.”

It slammed, echoing in the corridor and Sirius felt his aching heart thumping against his ribs as he stomped down the stairs and reached his bike. Throwing his leg over, he revved the engine, then sped off before James could catch second thoughts and come after him.

Sirius didn’t want to be talked into being alright with it anymore. They’d been out of Hogwarts almost a year now. Almost one full year and the most Sirius got were quiet shags in the middle of the night after Order missions. They carefully avoided each other at work, and in public and in Order meetings, James had his arm round Lily, looking like the devoted boyfriend.

The pain was too much, and Sirius knew he was reaching his breaking point. It was either James commit, or Sirius would move on. He never wanted to put James in this position, but he could only take so much.

Not really aware of his destination, Sirius wasn’t entirely surprised to find himself pulling up to Moony’s flat. James’ parents owned several blocks of flats round London, both wizarding and muggle, and as Remus could hardly find employment—in spite of how much Remus hated charity—the Potters took care of him.

Stood at the door, Sirius hung his head, feeling a little heartsick and dejected as Remus opened the door to his friend. Reaching out, a slim hand closed round Sirius’ shoulder, and tugged him inside. “What happened?” It was such a loaded question. Too many people they knew were dying or going missing, and Sirius felt a bit of a shit to come there with relationship problems.

Still, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “It’s James and me. It’s…he’s…”

Sirius’ words trailed off as Remus tugged him to the sofa and flicked his wand. A moment later, the kettle whistled and before long, Sirius had a hot cup of bitter, black tea in his hands.

“Have you split?”

Sirius swallowed thickly. “I…dunno. Gave him an ultimatum, I guess. I…I can’t stand seeing him with Lily like this. I know he doesn’t love her. I know he’s in my bed at night but…when is it supposed to end, Moons? When does he stop and just…just be mine?”

Remus winced, and his head shook. “I really am sorry, Pads. I can’t imagine what this is doing to you.”

Sirius shook his head. “Well. You pined a while, didn’t you. And it didn’t work out.”

“No,” Remus said carefully. “It didn’t. Didn’t reckon it would and well…” He let out a slow breath. “What did James say to all this?”

“He got angry with me.” Sirius let out a bitter laugh. “I asked him how long he planned to keep this up and he said as long as she needed him to. So…his priorities are not me. Clearly.”

Remus reached out and squeezed his hand. “Listen, mate, just be patient with him. He loves you.”

“But not enough,” Sirius said. “I’m not asking him to marry me, or to shag me on the street corner where everyone could see. But does the world need to think he and Lily are heading for the altar? What if she wants to marry him, Moony?”

“You honestly think he’d say yes?” Remus challenged.

Sirius threw up his hands. “I don’t know, that’s what’s killing me. I don’t know how far he’ll go, and when I ask he just…evades.”

Remus licked his lips. “You want to stay here for a while?”

Sirius gave him a grateful smile. “You’re the best, Moons. You really are. I love you a whole lot.”

Remus laughed. “I love you to, you prat. You can stay as long as you want, and work this out with yourself, then you go home and talk to the man you love. You and James are…well I’ve never seen two people more suited for each other. So make it work,” he scolded.

Sirius curled in on himself a bit, because he wanted nothing more. He just wasn’t so sure anymore that he and James were actually meant for each other at all.

*** 

James was pacing his flat. It was just gone two in the morning and Sirius hadn’t returned. He’d also left his mirror, which meant there was no way to contact him, and he couldn’t think for his panic. It was dangerous to be traipsing round London during these times. Sirius was a dishonoured Black, which meant he had a target on his back, and James knew any one of the Dark Lord’s followers wouldn’t hesitate in taking him down. 

He was honestly seconds away from putting out an Order alert when there was a soft tapping on his door. Thinking maybe Sirius had forgotten his keys, James rushed to the door, flinging it open only to find Lily stood there. She looked dishevelled and her face was covered in tear tracks.

“Lils?”

“They…my parents…” She cleared her throat. “It was a car crash. Muggle police are saying natural causes but…but I don’t know.”

James immediately opened his arms to her and took her to the sofa. Neither of them said a word as she cried, her face buried in his neck, and he rubbed her back until things calmed down.

“I’m so sorry, Lils.”

Her head shook against his shoulder. “I…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. You know? Petunia and I haven’t spoken since…” She let out an angry laugh. “Maybe sixth year when she went off to University. And they were the last. I don’t…I don’t have anyone else.”

“Nonsense. You have me, you know,” James reminded her, though he knew if Sirius heard him making these promises, it would only make things worse. Still, he cared about her. Deeply. And he didn’t want her to feel alone. “You’ve got me and Remus, and Sirius and Peter.”

Lily let out a small scoff. “Sirius, who looks like he wants to hex my face off every time he sees me.”

James sighed. “It’s not you, trust me. It’s…he’s…” James shook his head. “It’s complicated.”

“Always is, when you’re in love,” Lily muttered.

James would have said something, only it was the moment Sirius chose to return. He walked in, saw the pair on the sofa, and his jaw instantly hardened. “Ah. Evans.”

Lily carefully pulled away, but James could see the damage was done and he had a feeling Sirius wouldn’t let him explain. Wouldn’t accept it, even if he did. “Si…”

“I just came to get a few things,” Sirius said, waving his hand at James. “I’ll send for the rest later.”

“Please don’t,” James said, his voice weary. He glanced at Lily whose face was flushed. “Would you mind erm…just a minute or two.”

She shook her head. “Maybe I should go.”

Taking her by the shoulders, feeling Sirius’ eyes boring into him, James said, “You should stay. After everything that just happened, please. Stay.”

Sirius stormed down the hall as James got up and followed him. The bedroom door was locked, but James managed to break through the spell and walk in on Sirius shoving robes and muggle clothes into a trunk.

“Please just take a minute,” James said softly.

Sirius looked up from his crouch, his eyes narrow and cold. “Give me one reason why.”

“Because I love you.”

Sirius scoffed. “You love me, but not enough. Out there snuggling with your girlfriend,” he spat.

James pinched the bridge of his nose. “Her parents just died.”

“And?” Sirius snapped. “Don’t get me wrong, James, I feel for her. But how many of us have been killed so far? Dorcas just last week? Fabian? Gideon? My brother,” he spat, “is missing. This isn’t about that. This is about you making choices that’s good for everyone else but us. This is about,” Sirius rose as he spoke, his hands clenched into fists, “you feeling like I can come second to everyone else in our lives.”

James swallowed. “What do you want me to do?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Sirius shook his head. “The simple fact that you don’t know…”

“Oh I know,” James said, his voice going hard, “but I’m not going to just yet.”

“Then when?” Sirius demanded.

“I don’t know. Maybe never.” James didn’t mean it, but he was tired of Sirius not understanding what he was doing and why. He was tired of constantly being the sodding bad guy.

It was, however, the wrong thing to say and he knew it the moment the words left his lips. Because Sirius’ face went hard. “I’m leaving. And I’m not coming back. I do and always will love you more than I love _anyone_ on this planet, James Potter. But I won’t let you keep me as your dirty little secret. As your fuck toy.”

James reeled back. “That’s not…”

“Then what is it?” Sirius demanded. With a wave of his hand, he used his wandless magic to shrink his trunk and accio’d it into his hand, shoving it into his pocket. “Tell me, what’s so special about us? And if you say love, I will hex you.”

James just stood there, and as he did, Sirius’ eyes filled with tears.

“I thought so,” he said, his voice conveying all of his heartbreak. “I should have guessed it two years ago, but…I was stupid enough to believe I was as important to you as you were to me.” Sirius ran his hands into his hair, gripping the locks so hard it hurt. “Don’t look for me anymore, please. I hope you and Lily will be very happy.”

The shock rooted James to the floor so when Sirius walked out, he didn’t go after him. It was only when the sound of the motorbike faded down the street did he collapse to his knees and cry. It was only when he realised the absolute finality of Sirius’ words did he know that it was well and truly over.

*** 

Two months later found James and Remus at the Potters’ drinking Fleamont out of Firewhiskey. His parents had been sent out of the country for protection, and James couldn’t live in the flat he’d shared with Sirius any longer. It was too painful. They were losing people in droves and there was a spy in the Order.

No one knew up from down anymore, and James was certain it didn’t matter when Sirius had left with his entire heart. James had a gaping hole left, and nothing more.

No one had heard from Sirius since he’d taken his trunk and gone. Dumbledore had some contact for assignments, Sirius loyalty to the Order remaining, but otherwise he was a ghost. James ached every day, worried that each Owl was going to deliver the news that Sirius had been taken down.

He desperately wanted to make things right. He and Lily had even staged a split in hopes the news would get back to his lost love, but it never did.

Now he was completely pissed, sad, and lonely.

Remus passed the bottle back and adjusted his lean against the sofa. “You really think this is the best idea, Prongs?”

“Look,” James said, waving his hand, “I’m sad and heartbroken and I reckon you are too and we’re just…just…a couple of pathetic sods trying to live through the war. So yeah. Why not. We could even shag and it would be a brilliant idea.”

Remus’ eyebrows lifted. “Shag, Prongs?”

“M’only sayin’,” James muttered, and took a long swig. “It’s been ages and I’ve come to accept Sirius isn’t coming home to me. And you’re…alone.”

“So my only hope for a shag is the lonely, horny James Potter?” Remus asked wryly, elbowing James in the side.

Rolling his eyes, James leant his head on Remus’ shoulder. “Who’s got your heart then, eh? You’ve never said.”

“Not nearly drunk enough to admit that,” Remus said, and took the bottle as it was passed back. His cheeks were slowly flushing, and James thought he did look rather cute. Taking a long drink, Remus sighed and swiped the back of his hand across his mouth. “It’s Regulus.”

James coughed, eyes flying wide. “Regulus Black? Sirius’ brother? The Death Eater?”

Remus laughed bitterly, shaking his head. “The very same. We had…it was…” Remus bowed his head and clutched the firewhiskey hard. “Never said I made good decisions, you know. I tried not to love him. I really did.”

“Yeah well…looks like the Blacks are good for one thing at least. Ripping out hearts.”

Remus gave him a withering look. “Sirius wanted you, James. Your commitment. And you put Lily first.”

“Thanks for that, Moons,” James said, rolling his eyes. “As though I needed to be reminded.”

“M’only saying,” Remus muttered, and took another long drink before passing it back. “You could’ve had yours. Regulus would never…wouldn’t ever…I wasn’t enough to make him _think_ about the stupid shit he was doing. Even think twice.”

James turned his face and nuzzled Remus’ neck for a moment. “Everything’s the worst, Moons.”

Remus sighed and put one hand into James’ hair. “I know. It really is.”

Taking a breath against Remus’ skin, he pressed his mouth to his neck. Remus made a slight noise of surprise, and for a second, froze. Then his hand in James’ hair tightened. “Moons,” James muttered.

“You really want to do this?” Remus asked, sounding a little breathless. He shifted down just a little, pressing into James a little harder.

“I want to get off,” James said, kissing Remus’ neck again. “And I like you, and we’re friends. And you won’t go and do something stupid like falling in love with me. And I won’t fall in love with you.”

Remus laughed, gripping James by the chin and lifting his head. He looked at his lips a moment, then dragged his gaze up to James’ soft eyes. “I won’t fall in love with you, Potter.”

James laughed, then surged forward and kissed him. “Alright. So…”

Remus licked his lips, then kissed back. “Alright. I…this is probably the worst thing we can do but…alright.”

*** 

Sirius spent four long months in misery, throwing himself into every mission Dumbledore lobbed his way. Part of him hoped it would just…stop. He’d catch the broadside of a hex and it would all just stop.

Another part of him wanted to run home to James’ arms and just…beg. Or plead. To give in and compromise and just let Lily have him in public because he missed those arms and his mouth and everything else about him.

He attempted to return once, but he came home to find the flat empty and it had been for some time. He threw himself into a spy mission after that, and when it was over, he returned with a new scar across his abdomen and for the first time since he left, agreed to go to an Order meeting.

Walking into the Safe House, James was there and he purposefully ignored the startled noise and intense hazel eyes on him. Instead he gave his report, then locked himself upstairs for two days. Being this close to James and so far away, it hurt.

It was on the third day he heard a knock, and a soft voice calling out, “It’s Remus. Can I please come in?”

Lying on his stomach across the bed, Sirius flicked his fingers and unlocked the door. Remus strolled in, looking tired and weary, but pleased to see him. 

“Hallo, Moony.”

Remus’ face twitched, then he carefully put himself on the bed and wrapped his arms round Sirius. “Don’t you dare ever disappear on us like that again, Padfoot. Do you understand me?”

Sirius nodded, his voice muffled against Remus’ shoulder. “M’sorry. M’sorry Moons. I just…”

“I know,” Remus said, stroking his hand down Sirius’ hair before he pulled away. “The thing is, you have to forgive James, alright?”

Sirius scoffed. “Do I?”

“Yes.”

“Has he ended it with Lily?”

Remus urged Sirius to sit up. “No, and there’s a reason why. And it’s something that needs to come from me.”

Sirius blinked at him, his mouth turning down. “Alright.”

Taking a huge breath, Remus closed his eyes. “James and I slept together two months after you left. We were drunk, and I was hurting, and so was he. I’m sorry.”

Sirius winced, but shook his head. “Reckon if he was going to sleep with anyone else I…guess I’m glad it’s you.”

“It didn’t mean anything,” Remus assured him. “We’re not…there wasn’t feelings or…or anything.”

Sirius sighed and reached out, squeezing Remus’ thigh. “It’s alright. It was over between us. And he’s clearly not ready to give up Lily so…”

“That wasn’t…” Remus bit down on his bottom lip. “He had given her up. Right after you left, they staged a split in hopes you might hear and want to come back.”

Sirius’ eyes went a bit hard. “So what changed?”

Licking his lips, Remus rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. “I did. I erm…James and I were drunk when we…” He cleared his throat. “We were very drunk and not thinking and we didn’t…there was…” He coughed. “I’m…having a baby.”

Sirius blinked several times, then his gaze dragged down to Remus’ stomach, then back up to his face. “You…I…”

Remus swallowed. “I didn’t think. We didn’t think. And for me, Pads, it’s illegal. I don’t want to tell you what they do to werewolves who have unauthorised pregnancies.”

Sirius felt bile rise in his throat at the implications. “I forgot you could…I’m sorry Moons.”

Remus smiled lightly, shaking his head. “I’m still dealing with it. But we’ve had to hide it, so James researched this ancient spell which bound me to Lily. It’s similar to a glamour, and really complicated but basically what I’m going through, it…it appears on her. She’s the pregnant one. If she doesn’t do this, if they find out it’s me…” Remus stopped, and Sirius reached out without thinking, clutching his hand. 

“So this is James’ baby?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah.”

“So you and James are gonna be dads,” Sirius said.

Remus’ smile spread a little more. “I…I can’t be. I’m not allowed. No one can know and…and…” Remus blew out a breath of air.

Sirius winced again, realising then they had to stop the Dark Lord, and they had to stop witches and wizards who wouldn’t allow someone as wonderful as Remus Lupin from raising his own child. Yes, it hurt knowing James had been intimate with Remus but the truth was, Sirius loved them both. So much. So how could he be too angry that a baby would belong to both Remus and James.

And Lily was doing it to protect Remus and the baby.

Sirius felt suddenly protective. Fiercely. He wanted to cup his hands round this tiny flicker of life inside Remus and protect it with his entire being. “I’m in.”

Remus blinked, then shuddered with a sigh. “Really?”

“Absolutely. I love you, Moons. I missed you, I missed James. I’m sorry for being such an absolute twat and well…I’m…I’m here. Whatever you need.”

Remus drew him in for a hug, kissing the side of his face. “James wants to see you. Are you ready for that?”

Sirius let out a slow breath. “I…reckon I ought to be.”

Rising, Remus reached down and ran his fingers into Sirius’ hair. “I’m going to send him up.”

Sirius couldn’t bring himself to argue or agree, so instead he buried his face into the duvet and closed his eyes, willing himself to just melt into the fabric. He didn’t know what he’d do when he saw James. He was barely processing what was happening with Remus—and barely able to comprehend that he and James were going to have a _baby_. Never mind a baby being born in times like this—when any of them could be caught by Death Eaters at any moment. When Death Eaters didn’t discern between adults and children—only where their bloodlines lie.

A moment later, Sirius heard the floorboards squeaking just outside the bedroom, then the creak of hinges as the door opened. He could smell James first, then he felt him, and his entire body tingled with the desire to be touched by him. All over. Because no matter what, however long he’d been gone, and however hurt he’d been, Sirius never stopped loving James.

In fact, he loved him more.

He wanted him more.

The moment he looked up, he knew he’d be gone. That the moment he touched James again, he wouldn’t be able to tear himself away no matter what. James could marry Lily then, and it wouldn’t matter because Sirius had returned and it proved one thing—he was irrevocably James’. For life.

He swallowed thickly. “So. A baby?”

James let out a small scoff, then took several steps toward the bed. “Sirius,” he said, his tone tight and high, and Sirius knew exactly the expression on James’ face without even looking.

It was enough to send Sirius sitting up, meeting James’ eyes, then rising. The distance between them closed like magic, and Sirius’ arms were around James like they’d never been gone. They didn’t kiss, not straight away. Sirius pushed his nose into James’ cheek, standing on his toes, being held up high by James’ arms as their breathing hitched and Sirius let out a very quiet sob.

“Padfoot,” James whispered.

Sirius turned his head and was gone, lost in the kiss, lips pressed hard and desperate, tongue searching. James fisted his hands into the front of Sirius’ shirt and pulled him so tight, so close. “James. Merlin…I…” They were kissing again, no need for words.

James dragged him by the bed, falling down to the pillows, unwilling to let go for even a second. They nuzzle each other, no thoughts of anything except being close and holding on.

“M’sorry,” James began after a long while. “Sirius, I’m so fucking sorry. I love you so much and I shouldn’t have…I should have…”

“James,” Sirius said, burying his face in James’ neck. “Whatever it was, it’s over. I’m here, you’re here. It’s alright.”

“I just hope you know me and Remus…it wasn’t…I wasn’t…”

Sirius let out a small laugh. “Love, if it had to be anyone, I’m glad it was Moony. I love him nearly as much as I love you.”

James chuckled, holding him even tighter. “He was hurting, I was hurting. He…” James sighed. “He’ll kill me for saying this but…it was Regulus. He was in love with Regulus.”

Sirius’ entire body froze and he looked up slowly. “Reg?”

James nodded. “He couldn’t help it, and I think you, of all people, know what Regulus should have been, and that’s who Remus fell in love with. The person Regulus nearly was, broke his heart.”

Sirius’ eyes closed and he felt another jolt of pain through his body. “He’s missing.”

“I know,” James whispered. “I’m sorry, love.”

Sirius closed his eyes and decided right now, he was just going to bask. Bask in James holding him, in being close. He didn’t know how long it was going to last, or how long they would be allowed to do this, and he knew he had no right to ask for more. He had chosen to leave, and he’d come back to the people he left behind.

But James was holding him the same way, and a tiny part of him burned, hoping and begging the Universe to allow himself this small mercy because they were at war and he never knew which moment would be his last.

“Padfoot?” James whispered after a long while.

“Mm?” Sirius turned, pressing a soft kiss to the underside of his jaw.

“I want you to move in with us.”

Sirius blinked. “Us?”

“Remus and Lily and me. We’ve got a little house because Moony can’t be too far from her and well…I can’t imagine being too far from you again. I mean, I understand if…”

James couldn’t finish as Sirius was holding him by the face, kissing him fiercely. “Yes, James. If you think I could stand to spend another minute away from you ever again…”

James laughed, the kissed him once more. “Good. I just…good.”

*** 

Somehow no one bothered them. They got the entire night to themselves and no one questioned it. Of course considering no one could fathom Sirius Black spending any time away from James Potter, it wasn’t an absurd thought.

Come morning, Sirius was ready to pack what little he had and move straight into the little cottage, when Dumbledore arrived and called a meeting to order.

“We’ve received new information that may help us take down the Dark Lord. Because we have a spy in the Order, the handful of us here are going to take a vow. And I’m going to ask you all to remain calm until I finish explaining everything.”

Sirius noticed Dumbledore was looking directly at him, and it started to make his skin itch. He ached to reach over for James, who was sat next to Lily with her hand in his. Instead he leant on Remus just a little and closed his eyes.

A moment later, the murmur in the room brought Sirius back round, and for a moment, he thought the world had frozen. Because stood next to Dumbledore was a wary, drawn, half-beaten Regulus Black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the last. This is total canon divergence so the timeline is completely off from the books. x
> 
> TW: this chapter contains mentions of dysphoria and some self-hatred, so if this triggers you, feel free to skip this update. x

Sirius was pacing the bedroom, hands clenched into fists. James was sat on the bed, staring at his lover feeling helpless and torn between Sirius, and Remus who had run off somewhere, refusing to come out. James was furious at the old man for what he’d done. To spring this on the two people who would be shredded apart by the return of Regulus Black was completely unfair. James had no idea how to comfort either one of them, and frankly with the return of Sirius, and everything being turned upside down, he wasn’t sure he’d be any good to anyone at all.

“How can he…he wants us to…” Sirius dragged his fingers back through his hair, letting out a growl. “He’s a Death Eater!”

“He’s on our side now, so Albus says,” James muttered, wincing when Sirius turned a furious glare on him. “I’m not saying we trust him but…”

“But nothing,” Sirius spat. “You know what he did to me, James.”

“I know,” James muttered, unable to forget the sight of Sirius stood on his doorstep in the middle of the night, battered and cursed and sobbing because his entire life had just fallen to pieces. “And I’m not saying forgive him, either. But we should find out what’s going on.”

Sirius took a step toward James, then a step back, shaking his head. “I don’t…I can’t…”

Unable to watch his lover in that much pain, James rose and in spite of Sirius’ protests, drew him close. It only took a second before Sirius melted against his chest, and James drew his fingers into Sirius’ hair, stroking it gently. “It’s going to be alright,” he murmured. “I swear, I’m not going to let him hurt you.”

“I don’t want him hurting you,” Sirius clarified. “And what about Moony, eh? He’s…he’s vulnerable. His condition…Merlin, James, what if Regulus finds out!”

“He won’t,” James said firmly. “Trust me, with the spell we used, no one will know.”

Letting out a shaking breath, Sirius looked up with wet, red-rimmed eyes. “I hate myself because part of me is glad he’s not dead. I thought he was… I thought I had…”

“Maybe,” James said very carefully, “you’re being given the opportunity to get back the brother you should have had all along.”

Sirius let out a tiny sob, muffled by James’ mouth as he leant down to kiss him softly. “It hurts, Jamie.”

“I know,” James whispered, and kissed Sirius across both cheeks.

*** 

When Remus was found, he was in the kitchen, clutching the edge of the sink so hard the tips of his fingers had gone numb and his knuckles were white. He felt Regulus before he saw him or heard him. It was an old familiar presence and it made Remus tremble from the inside out.

He couldn’t bring himself to look, not even when a soft voice spoke, wafting across the kitchen like the ghost he was so sure Regulus would be by now. “I’m sorry.”

Remus clenched his hands harder, feeling the porcelain bite into his palms, hoping he’d bleed because that, at least, was a pain he could take. “Don’t.”

There was a long pause, and a breath. “I was a fool, and the moment you left the school I knew I was…I knew it was…” Regulus stopped and Remus heard his feet clacking on the floor.

Finally gathering what little courage he had, he turned to look at him. “How many did you kill? How many of our friends?”

“None,” Regulus said, twisting his hands together. “I swear. I…he didn’t really want me, you know. He thought I could provide answers, a way in to the Order.” Regulus swallowed and looked away for a second. “Through you.”

“I knew,” Remus breathed.

“I never did, you know.”

The smile which touched Remus’ mouth was genuine. “I knew that too, Reg.”

Wincing, the younger Black licked his lips. “I overheard…something. Dumbledore’s asked me not to say for now. He’s…he’ll be able to use the information. I don’t expect you to ever feel the same way again.”

A laugh escaped, bitter and aching, and Remus didn’t try to stop Regulus as he closed the distance between them and very carefully placed his warm palm to Remus’ cheek. “You and your brother, you’re both the worst, you know.”

Regulus chuckled, low, under his breath. “I know.”

Before Remus could say another word, Regulus was unceremoniously flung backward, hitting the table with a crash. Sirius was in the kitchen a moment later, no wand, but magic humming from his fingertips. Regulus was on his feet a second after, his wand raised, but it was clear he didn’t mean to do anything about it.

“Get away from him,” Sirius muttered.

Regulus spun on his heel and was gone, and the moment they were alone, Sirius rushed to Remus and put a protective hand on his lower stomach. “Did he hurt you?”

With a huff, Remus pushed Sirius back. “No. He didn’t. And he doesn’t _know_ so you can relax. He thinks it’s Lily just like everyone else.”

Sirius swallowed, pinking in his cheeks just a bit, but he didn’t step away further than Remus had pushed him. “I’m not going to let him hurt you. And please don’t let his apology fool you, Moony. You don’t know why he’s here.”

“I think I do, Pads,” Remus said from behind a weary sigh. But he didn’t intend on furthering his point or pushing his friend. Sirius was hurting too. Sirius who was so certain he’d lost his brother years and years before.

Remus excused himself to his bedroom and closed the door, leaving several locking charms to keep out anyone and everyone. It wasn’t going to be easy, all of this. But it’s not like he had much choice.

*** 

Sirius closed his eyes, feeling James’ fingers in his hair and he let himself remember—for only a moment—just months before when he was certain he’d never have this again. Lily was in the next room, awake and on duty to watch Regulus as no one but Dumbledore was convinced of his true loyalties. Remus had locked himself in the room, and Sirius and James had just finished reuniting in every way they could think of in Sirius’ room.

“I think we’re going to be sent away,” James murmured, his mouth hot and open against Sirius’ neck. His fingers twisted round the long strands of hair. “If Regulus actually does have information that could take down Voldemort, Dumbledore’s going to want him under lock and key. And then there’s the Prophesy.”

Sirius swallowed thickly. He hadn’t heard about it in his long absence, but James had finally explained when Sirius caught a glimpse of Snape wandering through Headquarters and nearly hexed him before the others could stop him. Voldemort had pegged the baby as the subject. Voldemort—along with everyone else, believed it was Lily who was carrying the child, and now she was a target. It made everyone who ever knew her a target.

“I’m not leaving your side. I hope you realise this,” Sirius said, holding James just a little tighter. “Dumbledore is out of his mind if he thinks I’ll spend another minute away. I’ll blow our entire cover if I must.”

For the first time since they’d got together, James didn’t try to hush him. Instead he merely held him about the ribs with a strong arm, his lips moving up and down Sirius’ exposed skin. “I love you, Sirius.”

Feeling the words rush through him like a tidal wave, Sirius closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotions he was still not prepared for. “I know. I’ve always known, Jamie.”

“M’not letting you go, either. I’ve done enough of that for a lifetime.”

Sirius couldn’t help his small grin as he turned his face, capturing James’ mouth in a slow, languid kiss. “So we’re agreed?”

“Mm,” James hummed against the partly open mouth on his. “We’re agreed.”

*** 

No one made a move, and Dumbledore offered no answers at all for the rest of the month. Remus was nervous, as the full moon was coming up, and along with the risk to anyone who might be near him, there was a risk to the baby. They’d done private research, he, James, and Lily when they learnt he was carrying the Potter child, to see what the transformation might do. But there had never been any research on those things, and Remus had no idea if he would end up giving birth to something furry instead of human.

James seemed unbothered by it, only saying, “I hope he’s got your hair, Moons. Merlin knows the Potter line could do with an end to this nonsense.”

Remus laughed, but inwardly he wondered how genial James would be if the child carried Remus’ curse as well. But Lily assured him they would have heard about such things and that most of the anti-werewolf rhetoric was nothing more than that. Rumours made to scare witches and wizards into supporting anti-werewolf legislation. 

Remus couldn’t help his fretting though. As he’d always done.

It also didn’t help carrying a baby and having to transform was slowly driving him mad. It had taken years for him to accept who he was, a boy in a body different than most boys. He’d accepted it a lot slower, with a lot more heel-digging than even his best mates had. And now his skin felt like he had ants living underneath it. Like he wanted to peel it apart and regrow into something he was supposed to be instead of the thing he was.

He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror, and every time he felt something fluttering in his belly he fought back the urge to vomit because boys weren’t supposed to _do_ this.

And it wasn’t as if he couldn’t love the child. How could he not? He loved James more than he had words for and if there was to be a baby born into the middle of war, he was glad it was a Potter. But there were days he wished there were a spell so he could make their glamour real. So it _could_ be Lily and James.

He was trying, though. Trying not to hate his own skin. Trying not to hate the wolf. Trying not to think of Regulus under this roof and how much he really just wanted to curl up in those arms and steal back all the months and years they should have been allowed to—but the younger Black had just been so fucking _stupid_.

Luckily with Padfoot back, the transformation had been less violent than the ones with only Prongs, and even Wormtail showed for this one. Remus was starting to worry about Peter, of course. They hadn’t told him about the baby—it wasn’t that they didn’t trust him, but James himself pointed out the fewer people who knew, the better.

But Remus was grateful if not thrilled to have his three best mates with him once again, and when he woke in agony, knitting back together, he could still feel the baby just fine.

Later in the afternoon, having a kip on the sofa, Remus woke to a soft hand pressed against his forehead. His eyes cracked open, and he saw Regulus startle.

“I didn’t mean to wake you. You were erm…you were whimpering.”

Remus licked his lips, then glanced at an empty water glass on the side table. Regulus quickly pulled out his wand, filling it before kneeling down and helping Remus take a few swallows.

“I never got to ask…how do you deal with it? We could all hear it in the house, you in the wood transforming. I…it sounds awful.”

Remus barked a hoarse laugh as he pushed himself against the sofa cushions. “It’s not a tickling charm, that’s for sure. But it’s better some moons.”

Regulus reached out, then pulled back, then his face fell and he gave up all pretences, dragging his fingers into Remus’ short curls. The gesture was more than soothing, and Remus found his eyes gently closing. “Can I…do something for you? Anything?”

Remus didn’t answer, instead pulling Regulus down with him. Apart from a small, surprised noise, Regulus didn’t say anything as he sorted himself under Remus’ heavy duvet, and let his head come to rest on Remus’ shoulder.

Their affair—so short lived and so secret at Hogwarts—didn’t provide opportunities for a cuddle. Ever. So Remus decided that whilst it might be the worst idea in the world to allow himself to sink back into his feelings, he was going to take advantage of it. He was tired of feeling lonely and like he didn’t belong on his own skin.

“Why?” Regulus whispered, holding Remus tight.

“Because I want you,” Remus answered simply.

Regulus let out a small, choked sob before pressing his lips to Remus’ neck. “Alright.”

Remus let his eyes close. “Alright,” he whispered back.

Remus woke hours later to the feeling of Regulus’ head pillowed against his shoulder, one long finger drawing lines up and down Remus’ exposed forearm. Blinking down, Remus thought he’d be filled with apprehension or regret, but all that was left now was a raw, desperate comfort and he decided he would just take it for whatever it was.

“You’re very comfy,” Regulus muttered.

“Ah.” Remus realised the reason was likely because he was unbound, and he muttered that to him. “I…can’t right now.”

“It’s alright though?” Regulus asked. “I mean, if I lay like this. Does it bother you?”

“Everything about my body bothers me right now,” Remus admitted. He put his arm round Regulus a little bit tighter. “But it is what it is.”

“If my opinion is worth anything,” Reg whispered as he nuzzled against Remus’ neck. “I’ve always liked your body exactly as it is.”

“Your opinion is worth dragon shit,” came a dry voice from the lounge door, and Remus peered up to see Sirius stood there holding a cup of tea. “I came to see if you needed anything, but I reckon you’re being taken care of just fine here.”

Remus winced at the bitterness in Sirius’ voice as his friend turned on his heel and stormed away. Remus closed his eyes, letting out a pained sigh, and knew he should sort it out sooner rather than later. 

“Were you two…?” Regulus asked.

Remus smiled, shaking his head. “No. I love him very much but no. Never even thought.”

“So it’s only that he just absolutely and completely hates me.”

Remus licked his lips. “He loves you. And that’s why it hurts him. He…I mean he’s not going to forget what happened. The night your mum blasted him off the tapestry.”

Regulus winced, clearly remembering his part in that whole mess. “Bugger.”

“He’ll forgive you, though. You were the only thing in your family he thought was worth saving and maybe he’s upset it wasn’t him who did it. But he’ll come round.”

“And if he doesn’t…?”

Remus gave in to the desire to press a small kiss to the corner of Reg’s mouth. “I don’t believe that’s possible. I ought to speak to him though.”

Regulus reluctantly and eventually let Remus up from the sofa, and pouted just a little as he watched Remus leave the room. 

His entire body ached and burned, but he made it up the stairs and to the bedroom he knew Sirius and James were sharing. He knocked before pushing it open, and found Sirius sat in a chair by the window, looking furious and sullen.

“Don’t,” he bit.

Remus ignored him, walking straight over and kneeling as he ignored his protesting knees. Putting his hands on the tops of Sirius’ thighs, he dug his fingertips into the material. “He’s on our side.”

“He’s probably the spy,” Sirius spat.

“The spy is someone already in the Order. And you and I both know the Dark Lord wouldn’t choose someone as obvious as your brother.”

“He would if he believed I’d be willing to forgive that little shit anything.”

“Because you are?” Remus challenged.

Sirius refused to meet his gaze. “I don’t trust him.”

“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to trust me. And I’m asking you to let me forgive on my terms, and you can forgive on yours. I love him, and I know you hate that.”

Sirius let out a long sigh, then turned to Remus and gently cupped his cheek. “I don’t hate it. I hate that it’s _him_ because I know what a fucking disaster he is. I know because I’m the same fucking disaster, Moony. And I want you to be happy.”

“James is happy with you.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “James is a twat.”

Remus laughed, and realised Sirius was already almost over it. “I just don’t want to be alone anymore. And before you go and say I’ve got you—which I know that, Pads—I also want something more. And as stupid as it is that a werewolf fell in love with a fucking Pureblood ex-Death Eater, it’s always been him.”

“Well I always knew you were a bit of an idiot.” Sirius leant forward and gave Remus a soft kiss on the mouth. “But I love you. If he even gives me a hint of a reason though, Moons…”

“I know,” Remus breathed. “Just…try. For me.”

“The things I do for you,” Sirius muttered as he pulled Remus up into an embrace. “And for the record, m’always going to worry about you, and the sprog. It’s my family too, just like you. Anything that comes from you or James is mine too.”

“You’re such a possessive little shit, Sirius,” Remus said, but he couldn’t convey the feelings it created to hear Sirius say that. Remus had spent most of his life feeling wrong, and unwanted, and it didn’t make things better, but knowing Sirius was there for him like this didn’t make it worse.

*** 

“Albus is looking into a charm that will protect us from being found,” Lily said, staring down at the letter which had just arrived at the cottage the five of them were hiding out in. It was in Cornwall, the location Muggle and secret, but not secret enough for the Order who knew that each person in that house was a major target for Death Eaters. Their wards and charms would only hold out for so long, and they knew that. And they also knew presently they were no match for the Dark Lord.

Dumbledore, whatever his plan was—it seemed to be working. Rumours were Voldemort was in a panic now, and gathering his forces, but it still wasn’t enough. And Voldemort still believed the baby was the target.

They’d been there four months now, and the pregnancy was coming along. Regulus still didn’t know it was Remus, though it was getting harder and harder to mask why Remus seemed to be feeling everything Lily was, and sympathy pains was only going to cover so much. Especially when it came time for the birth.

Regulus seemed to be true to his word, Sirius grudgingly admitted, and he’d even formed a sort of amicable reconciliation with his brother. Enough to play a few games of Exploding Snap and have a whiskey after tea. Sirius wasn’t sure he’d ever fully trust him again, and he would always know where the dark mark sat on his brother’s arm.

But Remus loved him and Sirius could see—for all it made him a bit mad—Regulus was good for Remus.

“Did he give any details?” James asked after a long silence.

Sirius snorted. “That old bastard? Come on, Prongs.”

Lily pursed her lips, but let out a small sigh and said, “He’s right, there’s really nothing except for us to lie low and he’ll be in touch.”

“Such rubbish,” Sirius muttered, rising from his chair. He ignored everyone staring and wandered to the back door, heading into the garden for a fag. He lit it with a whispered incantation, then leant against the wall, throwing his head back as he took in a deep, lungful of smoke.

It was only a moment before he was joined by another body, and though he wanted it to be James, he knew it wasn’t.

“Got a spare?”

Sirius dug into his pocket without looking at Reg, and banged them over. He heard his brother light up the same way, absurdly proud in a way that his brother had seemed to have inherited the knack for wandless magic almost as controlled as his own was.

“No one likes being cooped up here, Si,” Reg said as he took a long drag.

“Yeah well, we should be out there fighting, but instead Jesus Dumbledore Christ has decided to win this war single-handedly, leaving us all just sat on our arses waiting for him to either die, or declare himself ruler of all.”

Regulus snorted, shaking his head. “And yet you tried to talk me into joining this bloody circus.”

“Better than being part of the faction who would see your werewolf skinned alive for kicks.”

Sirius only enjoyed Regulus’ flinch a little bit. “I’m not saying I regret my choice, you twat.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, and he focused on the smoke for a long while. “You happy with him, though?”

Regulus sighed, like it took extreme dedication and patience to put up with his brother. “Am I not obvious enough?”

Sirius bit down on his lower lip, then turned to look at him properly. “I’m happy you’re here.” With that, he crushed the smoke out with his shoe and headed back in before Regulus could reply, because right then, he didn’t want one. He just wanted his brother to know.

Heading into the back bedroom, Sirius was pleased to find James there on the bed, and he wasted no time in hurrying over, burying himself in his lover’s arms. He lifted his face for a kiss, letting out a satisfied hum when James’ hands ghosted under the hem of his t-shirt and drew lines up and down his back.

“You taste like cigarettes.”

“You taste like sugar quill,” Sirius retorted, licking further into James’ mouth.

James laughed against the kiss, pushing Sirius against the pillows and hovered over him. “You know how much I love you?”

“Yes,” Sirius replied, “but you’re welcome to tell me over and over.”

James kissed him several times all over his face. “More than the Universe is vast. I couldn’t live without you. I refuse to live without you.”

“Good thing m’not going anywhere,” Sirius said, pulling James down by his shirt for another, searing kiss. “Also I told Regulus I was glad he’s here.”

James pulled back, giving Sirius a look of surprise. “Did you mean it?”

“I think so,” Sirius said with a small sigh. “I…he makes Moony happy. We’re going to have to tell him soon though. About the baby.”

“I know,” James said from behind a sigh. “And we will, once we find out from Albus what’s going on.”

Sirius drew his fingers into James’ hair and ruffled it. “I guess it could be worse. I hate that we’re in here useless against what’s happening in the world, but I’m with the people I love most. And Lily.”

“Don’t be a twat,” James said, nipping at his neck. “She’s alright.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, but grudgingly admitted James was right. “I guess she’s not half bad. And I guess…I’m sorry for doubting how much you loved me.”

“You had a right to,” James said, kissing lower now, along Sirius’ collarbone. “It was my own fault. But hopefully I’ve made up for it.”

As James’ hand travelled lower and lower, Sirius let out a keening moan and arched into his grasp. “Yes. God yes you have. And I’m rather happy about that.”

James gave Sirius a wolfish grin as he leant down, speaking right against his mouth. “Best if I remind you though. Just to be safe.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.

Regulus hadn’t looked at him for three days, six hours, and forty-seven minutes. Not that Remus was counting. But they were now in a small cottage whilst Dumbledore worked out the charm he wanted to use to hide them, and Regulus knew. He knew because the baby was going to be born any day now. It was July, so it was hot, and Remus felt like crawling out of his skin he was so desperate to be done with it. His morning sickness turned into all day, every day sickness, and eventually they just had to come clean.

Remus didn’t know if it was the pregnancy itself, or that it was James Potter’s child—but Regulus was upset and Remus was feeling more rejected than he had ever felt in his life. Even when Reg had chosen the Death Eaters over him.

He was currently sat outside, in a t-shirt and shorts, sunning his too-pale legs. His scars shone bright against his slightly olive skin, but he didn’t care. They didn’t really have neighbours, and the glamour was so strong, no one would be able to tell that there was a large, swollen stomach under the magic with a baby who did not want to sit still.

He had a glass of cold pumpkin juice next to him, but everything made him feel like vomiting. The only thing working was sucking on slices of lemon, though he was starting to develop sores from the citrus and Merlin he was miserable. And lonely. And sad.

The back door opened, and he reckoned it was either James or Sirius who had taken to fussing over him non-stop which was yet another annoyance. He didn’t turn down the comfort, even going so far as to accept either one of them in his bed at night to rub his stomach in an attempt to quell the baby’s constant movements—but it wasn’t what he wanted.

He closed his eyes and sighed, wishing they would just let him be for a little while.

Then a voice spoke, and Remus’ eyes snapped open. “Sirius said you were out here.”

Remus twisted his head to the side, gaping at the sight of his once-lover who he never got tired of looking at in muggle clothes. He’d stolen a pair of jeans and a shirt off Sirius, and apart from feeling uncomfortable, it struck his libido a bit to see the pale arms jutting from the tight sleeves.

“Something you needed, Black?” Remus asked, his irritation still at the forefront of his mind from the blatant rejection.

Regulus sighed, then carefully eased himself down in the grass near the arm of Remus’ chair. He moved closer, close enough to touch, though he didn’t quite yet. “I’m sorry.”

Remus quirked a brow, then winced as the baby pushed a foot into his ribs. He shoved his way past the tingling glamour to prod at the swollen skin, urging the baby to shift down. He prayed that today would be the day. It was almost the end of the month and _why_ couldn’t he be put out of his misery. Even the recent full moon hadn’t triggered the labour when they had all been so sure it would have.

“For what?” Remus eventually asked.

“I know I’ve been a twat about…you know…” Regulus waved his hand at the appearance of flat stomach. “I was upset you didn’t tell me straight away.”

“I couldn’t,” Remus said, his voice high and tight. “Not even Dumbledore knows, and he can’t. You don’t think I don’t want to be in bloody St Mungo’s right now getting potions to get this thing out of me?”

Regulus swallowed. “I know but…”

“No,” Remus said, his tone hurried. “You don’t know. This…this is the most complicated thing that could have happened to me. If Lycanthropy wasn’t bad enough, I’m also a sodding boy with a vagina who got knocked up—which is against the law, by the way. So I have to glamour my friend and have this baby in secret and I can’t even call it mine because I’m legally not allowed to have children.”

Regulus winced, then reached out and took Remus’ hand, holding on tight even when Remus made a feeble attempt to pull away. “Do you want to raise the baby?”

Remus let out a bitter laugh. “I haven’t let myself think on it. Because the most I’ll be is Uncle Moony.”

Rubbing his thumb across Remus’ knuckles, Regulus shifted so his face was pressed against Remus’ upper arm. “Sirius and James won’t let that happen, you know. They’re crazy about you—about as much as I am. Thankfully not the same way. I don’t like sharing.”

Remus licked his lips and chanced a look over. “I know but…”

“It doesn’t matter what the world thinks, you know. That kid is going to be crazy about you, too. How could it not?”

Remus let his hand splay out over his stomach and he sighed. “I just want to feel normal.”

Regulus stared at him for a long moment, then lifted his hand and hovered it over Remus’ stomach. “May I?”

Remus licked his lips, then grabbed Regulus by the wrist and squeezed. “Promise me right now, you won’t shut me out again. Please. I need…I can’t…”

Reg flinched with guilt, but nodded as he shifted up onto his knees, hovering over Remus. “I promise. I know I’m an idiot. I’m young and still learning, but I love you and…and I really am sorry.”

Remus carefully pushed Reg’s hand through the glamour, and though it appeared it was lying on flat, taut skin, it rested above the shifting child. Regulus sucked in his breath a little, roaming his fingers, following the kicks.

“It’s awful,” Remus said with a small laugh. “I don’t know how much longer I can go on.”

Regulus shifted close and pressed several kisses along Remus’ jaw. “It’s almost over, you know. And then…and then the war will be over.”

Remus closed his eyes and leant into his lover. “I hope so.”

*** 

Pressing his forehead to the glass, he watched the scene below, then turned when warm arms came round his waist. Sirius nuzzled his face into James’ neck and breathed him in. “Hallo love.”

James chuckled, spinning Sirius in his arms and pressed him to the window, kissing him soundly. “Looks like they made up, eh?”

Sirius nodded, arching a little up against James, drawing his fingers into James’ wild hair. “Seems so. It’ll make things easier.”

“Mm. Albus should be here next month with the final plans.”

Sirius let out a small sigh, hating they were still in the dark, hating that they were still in danger. The baby would be here any day and the thought that the infant was still a target, and there was still a traitor in the Order and they were no closer to solving their problems made Sirius too uneasy. These quiet, stolen moments with James left him feeling like he had more and more to lose.

“Love?” James asked, pinching Sirius by the chin and turning his face up. “What’s that look you’ve got?”

“I just hate this. How did we go from active Order members fighting Death Eaters and trying to take down the Dark Lord to hiding in some muggle cottage like this?”

James sighed. “You can go, you know? I…I don’t want to spend a second without you, but if you’re feeling trapped…”

“No,” Sirius said, tugging James closer by the front of his robes. “It’s only, we don’t know what’s happening and I’m scared. I have too much to lose now.”

James’ expression fell, because clearly he knew. Clearly he felt the same. He had a child on the way, and what was left of his small family. Voldemort was a threat to that, and there was no telling when another attack would happen, or how close they’d get.

“We’ll get through it, you know,” James murmured. He drew Sirius away from the window and led him to the bed. “I promise.”

Sirius nuzzled into James’ side, closing his eyes against his worry, and just let himself feel loved.

*** 

Late that night, Sirius pulled himself from James’ arms, unable to sleep and too restless to lay in the bed. He grabbed his muggle smokes from the bedside table and slipped downstairs. The back door was slightly cracked open, and he was surprised to find both Regulus and Lily sat out in the grass under the stars, leant back toward the sky.

They gave Sirius a curious look, but both took cigarettes as he offered them, and Regulus shifted over so Sirius could sit. 

“Rough night?” Reg asked.

Sirius sighed and lit his cigarette with a whisper of magic. He didn’t say anything, taking a huge drag.

“You and James aren’t rowing, are you?” Lily asked.

Sirius had made his peace with Lily in their lives, but they hadn’t quite got friendly. “No. He’s asleep and I didn’t want to keep him up. You two?”

“Just needed some fresh air,” Lily replied, taking a drag of her own.

Regulus eyed her for a second. “The magic won’t connect that smoking to Remus, will it?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “No, darling. It’s just a glamour.”

Reg’s jaw tightened, and Sirius felt a rush of affection for his brother right then. He didn’t trust him entirely, but his affection for their Moony was clear and as long as Reg loved Remus as Remus deserved to be loved, Sirius wouldn’t say anything against it.

“So. Soon, eh?” Lily said. “You lot ready for this whole baby business?”

“James more than anyone,” Sirius said with a little snicker. It was true, James was absolutely baby mad. Sirius reckoned it was something to do with James growing up the only child of only children and never having the experience of wailing siblings or cousins round. Sirius was attached only because the baby was a product of two people he loved most in the world.

“I’m just frightened.” Regulus tucked one knee to his chest, resting his cheek against it. He flicked ash from the end of his cigarette but didn’t smoke it. 

“We’ll be alright,” Sirius said. “We just have to stay strong.”

Regulus let out a bitter laugh. “It’s easy to say when you haven’t been under that bastard’s heel. When he hasn’t burnt his mark into your arm.”

“And who’s fault was that, Reg?” Sirius challenged. “No one forced you.”

Regulus stared at his brother. “I didn’t have a James Potter to escape to, you realise. And when the darkest and most powerful wizard is standing over you at bloody seventeen years old, and it’s between him and death…”

“Don’t say you’d have chosen death,” Lily admonished.

“I would have,” Sirius ground out.

“Because you had someone to fight for. I had nothing,” Regulus spat.

“You could have,” Sirius replied. “I never abandoned you.” His hands curled into fists. “I…Regulus you were the most important thing on the planet to me. You could have…you should have…”

“I know,” Reg snapped, tossing the half-gone fag into the grass. “And I was an idiot and I’m sorry. And I’m trying.”

Sirius stared at his brother for a long moment, unable to stop the flood of memories from their childhood. Of protecting him as a toddler from their mother’s wrath. Of always standing in front of him, of holding his hand at night. Giving him his first hug. Knowing that he had to make a choice between saving Regulus from the family, and saving himself.

So maybe he wasn’t so different after all.

“I know,” Sirius eventually whispered. He shuffled over, leaning his head on his brother’s shoulder. “And I’m sorry. I should have never left you.”

“Yes,” Regulus said quietly. “You should have. Otherwise it might have been both of us. And we’re here now.”

Sirius swallowed thickly, but nodded and finished off his cigarette before answering. “Yeah. We are here now. And we just have to stay right where we are and get through it.”

*** 

Harry James Potter came into the world in the middle of the night on the 31st July. The labour was long and intense, the glamour broken and unable to risk calling a healer, it was up to the house to take care of the process.

Luckily, as far as births went, it was safe and when it was all over, Remus and the baby were both healthy. Harry had James’ dark skin and thick, wild hair. His hands stayed in tiny fists, and he wailed until he was given a bottle and wrapped tight in a swaddling blanket.

James immediately took the baby out, letting Remus rest after he had been cleaned up and healed, and Regulus stayed by his side as he slept off some of the pain potions.

In the lounge, Sirius found James watching the sunrise over the horizon through the lounge windows, and he came up next to his lover, wrapping one arm round his waist as he looked down into Harry’s small face.

“He’s why we’re doing this,” James whispered, drawing one finger down his son’s tiny cheek. “So he doesn’t have to suffer. So none of them do.”

Sirius nodded, feeling a wash of love and affection for this boy—for the idea of family, and he grew more determined than ever.

*** 

“A secret keeper,” Sirius said, looking between the others and Dumbledore. “And you’re sure about this magic?”

Albus stared back, his blue eyes steady and narrowed. “Yes. It’s ancient magic, more powerful than Voldemort himself. He could peer straight into the front window and he would see nothing unless the secret keeper willingly divulges the location. Not even torture can bring it out.”

Sirius swallowed and looked over at James who was holding a ten months old Harry on his knee. The baby was giggling happily as James bounced him, and Sirius felt his heart clenching.

“What about Remus and Regulus?”

Albus blinked. “What of them?”

“You told us yourself Regulus needs to be protected. Will he be part of this?”

“He will. But not Remus. I have…work for him.”

Sirius felt his chest constrict. “No.”

“I’m afraid…”

“No,” Sirius said, half-rising in his seat. “I won’t hear it. No one’s safe, and you’re not sharing anything, Albus. And you want us to trust you with this?”

“Just take comfort in knowing we are very close to dealing Voldemort the final blow. He knows it. It’s more imperative than ever that we protect the Potters.”

Sirius felt his throat constrict because no one knew. No one knew their family dynamic. He glanced over at Remus who was sat impassive and silent as ever. “Moony, you’re coming with me.”

“No,” James said. “Sirius, you need to go into hiding. We want you as secret keeper.”

Sirius licked his lips. “But I…”

“Please,” James begged. “You can’t expect me to trust anyone else with this.”

Sirius turned pained eyes on Dumbledore. “How close are you, Albus? Tell me.”

“I assure you, it’s almost over.”

Sirius let out a long, slow breath. “I want to talk to James and Lily about this privately.”

Dumbledore nodded, then rose. “They have their location and the charm. It only needs to be performed and then they’ll be protected.”

Sirius nodded, and no one spoke a word until he was gone. “It can’t be me.”

Everyone stared at him. “Sirius,” James protested.

“You know why,” Sirius all-but roared. “They’ll come after me, James. They’ll kill me. I…it needs to be someone else.”

“Who else could I possibly trust more than you?”

Sirius licked his lips, but when he didn’t answer, Remus rose from his seat. “I’m going now. I…I have to meet Dumbledore and he…”

“Please, Moons,” Sirius begged, but Remus shook his head.

“I have to do this. If I don’t…I can’t guarantee the safety of my family.”

Regulus looked like he was on the verge of tears, and followed Remus out of the room as Sirius knelt in front of James. “Wormtail,” he whispered.

Lily frowned, and James started shaking his head. “You know I love Peter,” he said quietly, passing Harry off to Lily so he could take Sirius by the face. “But I don’t trust him the way I trust you. We haven’t seen him in nearly a year.”

“Which is why no one will suspect. I’m not going to see you for…for I don’t know how long, James. You and Harry and my brother. I…I need to know you’ll be safe and no one will suspect for a second that we used Peter Pettigrew with our most valuable secret.”

James looked uncertain, but at Sirius’ pleading eyes, his shoulders slumped. “I’m going to miss you,” he whispered.

Sirius leant up and kissed him fierce and desperate. “I know. My heart is breaking, but this is the only way we’ll make it out to the other side, Jamie.”

James pulled him close. “I love you, Padfoot.”

Sirius laughed wetly and bowed his head. “I love you too.”

*** 

It had been a week. Just a week when Sirius knew something was wrong. He wanted to call it intuition, but the truth was, Sirius knew because the charm was broken. The moment the secret was revealed, the location popped into his head.

Sirius wasted no time apparating into the front garden of Godric’s Hollow.

He expected the place to be blown to bits, and instead he found a low light in the lounge window, and a locked door. Looking round, Sirius saw no signs of anything, and his head went through a thousand scenarios. Only three people could have divulged the location.

Peter Pettigrew. Lily Evans. James Potter.

And Regulus Black.

Sirius didn’t want to suspect his brother, but did he have a choice? 

Rushing to the door, Sirius shoved it open and burst inside. James was sat on the floor of the lounge and he looked up in complete surprise at the sight of Sirius.

“Padfoot!” he cried.

Harry, who was playing with colourful tufts of smoke from James’ wand, smiled and lifted his hands. “Pada!”

Sirius’ heart clenched and he looked round. “Where’s Reg?”

“Bed,” James said with a frown. “What…how did you…?”

Sirius rushed and snatched Harry up from the floor. “We need to get out of here. Someone blew your cover. We need to find Reg, send someone for Peter.” Turning to the stairs, they hurried up and James threw Regulus’ door open, only to find it empty. “Fuck!” Sirius cried. “That fucking traitor! I knew it was him!”

“No. He wouldn’t,” James said.

Just then, Lily came out of her room with wide eyes. “Sirius, what are you doing here?”

“Voldemort knows your location. Regulus sold you out.”

Shaking her head, Lily took a step back, even as Sirius thrust Harry at her. “No. He wouldn’t have. There’s no way.”

“There is if Voldemort took Moony and threatened him,” Sirius said.

Lily and James both gulped, and Sirius ran his hands into his hair. “We need to get the hell out…”

Just then, the front door was blasted off the hinges. Sirius turned to Lily. “Get Harry the hell out of here. Now.”

“We’ll hold him off,” James said, and turned to run.

Sirius felt his entire body go into full panic as he realised James didn’t have his wand. Rushing down the steps, he opened his mouth to scream, but was instantly thrown into a full body bind, pressed against the wall. His entire being was fighting it, slamming against the spell, but it was no use.

He watched, helpless as James faced down the hooded figure of the Dark Lord, and his mind screamed for him. _”James! James!”_

“Stand aside,” Voldemort hissed.

“I will not,” James said, his hands clenched into fists. “You’ll have to kill me.”

Voldemort hissed a laugh. “That can be arranged. Avada…”

_”JAMES!”_ Sirius was throwing everything he could against the spell, but he was frozen and terrified. He could feel tears pouring down his face and he couldn’t close his eyes. He would be forced to watch the love of his life die.

“Avada Kedavra!” The green light came from behind, and as Sirius’ body crumpled against the ending spell, Voldemort fell like a marionette whose strings were cut.

Sirius looked up, breathing heavy, to see Regulus stood in the doorway with his wand pointed. Reg’s face was pale, his hand shaking, but it was over.

James was alive. Sirius was alive.

Regulus had just saved them all.

Letting out a choked noise, Sirius was suddenly drawn into warm, heavy arms. He hadn’t noticed James moving, rushing up the stairs to take him into his arms, but suddenly his face was pressed against a heaving chest and he didn’t even care that he was sobbing almost violently.

It was over.

Somehow.

It was over.

*** 

It turned out to be Peter, in the end. Peter Pettigrew, their best friend and fellow Marauder.

And Death Eater.

He was located a week later as the Aurors tracked him. Eventually James, Sirius, and Remus confessed about their Animagus forms to Dumbledore who only revealed Wormtail’s. He was taken to Azkaban, screaming and begging for forgiveness without trial.

But it was over.

Dumbledore eventually revealed the Horcruxes, how Regulus had discovered the first, and set Dumbledore and several Order members on the trail of the others. It had taken so long, and a few of them had died, but they were destroyed. And the Dark Lord was dead.

An ugly, human death.

But he was no more.

*** 

The first night in their home, Sirius was sat in the comfortable rocker, Harry sleeping against his chest. He was staring out at the half moon, the stars in the sky, knowing his own would be out in just a few short months. They were safe now, as safe as they could be. Harry would grow up loved, with all of his parents, with the world less dangerous.

Running his hand up and down Harry’s back, Sirius looked over when he heard a noise, and saw his brother standing in the doorway.

“Fussy tonight?” Regulus asked, taking a few steps in, then dropping to a crouch near the arm of the chair.

Sirius shook his head. “I just wanted to hold him.”

A ghost of a smile crossed Reg’s face and he reached out, toying with a lock of Harry’s dark hair. “I keep waking up from these nightmares where my spell is too late. Where the curse gets James and you. Where I find Remus dead from the other wolves. Where Lily’s lying on the floor of the nursery. Sometimes I dream about the Inferi in the cave.”

Sirius reached out and brushed a lock of hair away from Regulus’ forehead. “You’re safe. We’re all safe. Thanks to you.”

Letting out a breath, Regulus stood, bending low to press a kiss to the top of Harry’s head. “This kid is going to have the weirdest family dynamic.”

Sirius let out a low chuckle. “Yeah, but you know, it’s better than what we had.”

“Merlin, I know,” Regulus muttered. “I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Me too,” Sirius breathed, and he knew Regulus heard the words for what they were. I’m glad you survived. I’m glad you weren’t the traitor. I’m glad you’re with me now.

*** 

**Eleven Years Later**

Harry bounced on his heels, tugging on James’ hand as they made the slow walk to the barrier on the platform. “You’re taking foreverrrrr.”

James slowed his pace, acting like his feet were stuck in treacle. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. So strange. Like my feet…won’t…move…”

“You’re the worst!” Harry cried. He turned and let James go, rushing over to Regulus who was a few feet behind. “Reg, you’ll take me, right?”

The younger Black rolled his eyes, but let Harry drag him toward the platform. “Fine, go on.”

“See, he’s my favourite parent now!” Harry cried before yanking Regulus through.

James rolled his eyes, then pulled Sirius over for a kiss as Remus brought up the rear with Harrys’ trolley. “He gets that from you, you know.”

“Bollocks,” Sirius muttered, kissing back.

“Do you two mind? You can get up to your dirty business after we get our son safely on the train.”

“Ever the prefect, our Moony,” Sirius said, reaching out for Remus’ hand and ruffling his curls. “Go on then, we’ll be right behind.”

James sighed as he watched Remus slip through the barrier and he threaded his fingers through Sirius’. “Lily already there?”

“She said she’d meet us on the platform,” Sirius replied. “She took the day off special.”

James grinned. “You know, there are days I wasn’t sure we’d actually get here. Even after Godric’s Hollow.”

“Well I was pretty sure Harry’s threes and fours were going to give you an aneurysm but we got through it alright,” Sirius said with a grin, kissing James once more.

James laughed and ran his knuckles over Sirius’ cheek. “Yet here we are.”

“We are, indeed. Now, we’d better get through before the train leaves. That kid will figure out how to send a howler if we miss his send-off.”

James rolled his eyes, but tugged Sirius through the barrier just in time to see Harry giving a kiss to Regulus, then throw his arms round Remus. His trunk was already on the train, and Sirius and James could see the gaggle of Weasleys loading all their belongings.

Harry stopped to hug and kiss Lily who ruffled his hair affectionately, then he turned eyes on Sirius and Remus.

With only a bare pause, Harry flung himself at the pair, drawing them into a hug with each arm, and held tight. “Gonna miss you.”

“Yes, but you’re also going to have the best seven years of your life,” Sirius reminded him. “And remember, you’ll only get a short howler if you’re not in Gryffindor.”

“And a hundred galleons from me if you make Slytherin,” Regulus reminded him.

“Oy!” Sirius cried.

Regulus laughed and pulled Harry in for one more hug. “You’re going to be brilliant wherever you are.”

Harry smiled, then backed up and ran for the train as Ron called his name. “See you!” he cried. “Write you tonight!”

The train pulled away, and Lily walked over, squeezing Sirius’ shoulder. “Ten galleons he’s in Hufflepuff.”

Sirius grinned at her and stuck out his hand. “I will take that bet, Miss Evans. I will absolutely take that bet.”


End file.
